Okay, hear me out, please, folks at Coast to Coast, as I've compiled a list of why I might, in fact, make a decent replacement/successor for your current Mr. Noory:
1.) I can talk.
2.) I can talk articulately.
3.) I am capable of asking a question. I can repeat this process as necessary until a kind of structured dialogue -- call it an interview, if you will -- occurs.
4.) I can talk articulately in standard edited (conversational) English.
5.) I am degreed. In fact, I am graduate degreed and profess for a living. (My students wouldn't call it teaching, and neither would I.)
6.) See #3.
7.) My education includes the study of folklore, cinema, literature, business, economics, astronomy, geography, journalism, and other assorted courses that -- although they make me an expert in none -- make me conversant in a wide range of subjects. Thus, I am a good mixer and, at the very least, can bullshit my way effectively.
8.) I assume when I am speaking that someone else is listening. This process encourages me to say things that my audience might be interested in.
9.) My optimism and general like of my fellow human beings does not make me prone to gullibility or sycophantism. I have a tendency to call a spade a spade, as they used to say. I am also not afraid to put a metaphorical boot in someone's ass should they deserve it.
10.) My girlfriend says I have a sexy voice. I'm throwing that one in just for good measure.
11.) I read books.
12.) While I have no formal experience in AM Talk, that doesn't really seem to be required, as evidenced by the current state of affairs on Coast to Coast during most nights of the week, and that should not serve as an obstacle to my being considered for employment.
13.) I can multitask, including talk, listen, and think simultaneously or close enough to it.
14.) I have my own microphone. It belongs to an old-fashioned tape recorder, but it comes with its own convenient bipod stand, and more importantly, I know which end to talk into.
I'm sure there are other reasons I should be hired, but these will suffice for the time being. My colleagues on this site are most likely similarly qualified for the position and should also be considered if they would be so inclined . . . at the very least, you could do no worse than you are now and very probably better.
