Topic: This just in . . .

[Camazotz Automat]

A thread to post your fictional press releases.

from CNN:

Reports on Thursday detailed how actor Bill Mumy was wrapped in copper wire by rabid fans following his appearance on a national paranormal radio talk show in the early hours of July 3, 2008 - converting Mumy to a type of "Tesla Mummy Coil cum Faraday shield."

"They even wrapped my private areas," Mumy said.

Luckily, authorities reached the constricted actor before high voltage was applied to Bill's feet by Steven Quayle, who believes turning Bill into an electrical discharge device will avert a perceived disaster spoken of in the Book of Revelation. The contraption from which Mumy was suspended appeared similar to a Rotisserie applied spit. The direction of the desired spin of the spit was not immediately available at press time. Police confiscated the spit and several car batteries and an AC DC converter.

Mr. Mumy was obviously relieved by the timely rescue.

"I guess I was almost "Roast in Space," Mumy said, laughing nervously.

Bill Mumy is well known for his character "Will Robinson" in the 1960's television series Lost in Space. He has a new music CD, titled "Circular," will be hitting stores on July 8. Given that an importan part of Quayle's discharge experiment involves rotation, the title seems prophetic.   

"The reason I chose that as title for the CD is that because of the Corioles effect, the CD rotates clockwise here in the states and counter clockwise on Mt. Uluru," Mumy added.

Mr. Quayle is being held for questioning, pending bail. Fellow inmates state Quayle is indeed, ~mesmerizing~, but the guards claim "he stirs things up and we have to drag out the firehose about every six hours and spray him down."

Steven Quayle had no comment.

an inside Jetsons' Astro the dog joke

[Michael Vandeven]

The Associated Press
July 3, 2008
12:24 EDT (17:24 GMT)



Washington, D.C. -- In a bid to combat the frenzy of salmonella cases emerging throughout the United States, Food and Drug Administration (FDA) director Carl Peck is broadening the scope of his agency's purview.  "We're advising the American public simply not to breathe,"  Peck admonishes.  "Until we make decisive conclusions as to the source of this outbreak, we must take every possible precaution to keep consumers safe."

Peck's new initiative, the Stop Hazardous Inhalation Technique, is expected to prevent millions of salmonella cases nationwide.  "We believe the American consumer deserves to feel safe, and the SHIT initiative will do just that," he says.  "Science has already shown those who stop breathing are approximately 99.999901% less likely to be infected by salmonella, and that's a number we can feel good about."

Funding for the $180 million SHIT initiative is expected in an earmark attached to fourth quarter Iraq War funding, and President Bush is expected to sign the bill.  At a cost of nearly $60 million per month, the program will require further funding after three months.  Director Peck tells The Associated Press the bulk of that money will be put toward television advertisements informing the public of the health benefits SHIT offers.

"SHIT is typical of an Administration bent on spending as it pleases without regard for the taxpayer's hard earned dollar," says House majority leader Nancy Pelosi.  "Democrats believe the American people are tired of the failed policies of the past.  SHIT won't stop salmonella.  It will only delay the inevitable."

Senate majority leader Harry Reid says the answer to the salmonella problem is his party's own plan.  "The Consumption Reduction and Abridgement Plan, or CRAP, is what this country really needs in order to combat the plague of salmonella keeping us awake at night," Reid says.  "If we can educate people and spread awareness to encourage Americans to simply stop eating, the salmonella outbreak spawned by George Bush and Karl Rove will end within about 11 days or so."

Regardless of whether Congress chooses to adopt SHIT or CRAP, The Associated Press has learned there is a great likelihood the American consumer can expect to see manifestations of both in the immediate future.