How unfortunate and embarrassing for me that shortly
before the creation of the
Noory the Jew Hater topic I happened to upload a decidedly Naziesque appearing robot as my avatar. Nazi-Gort. Can you believe that? Just my luck. I?m like Albert Einstein misplacing his wristwatch or something. Did all of you down in the front row understand that joke? Einstein misplacing time? Sometimes they let the special people sit down front. I'm not serious. You know I kid.
I really REALLY apologize about the avatar. You can get a refund up front, but it WILL disqualify you from the buffet we?re having after the show. That might not be a bad thing for some of you out there with the sore feet. Tell you what. Instead of noticing any similarities between my robot friend here and Spielberg?s Storm Troopers, think of him as a giant mechanical penis leftover from the auction at Neverland Ranch. Right? Right? How?s that for imagery?
We don?t know FOR SURE Michael Jackson has ever had sexual contact - I could just stop here, couldn't I? - We don't KNOW FOR SURE Michael Jackson has ever had sexual contact with a child, but we DO KNOW he was worshipping a giant mechanical penis in the privacy of his own playground.
Draw your own conclusions. I?ll wipe my forehead with a napkin here and pretend I don?t know what you?re thinking.
No, I kid, I kid. No, really. Jews and Germans are like two kids fighting in a sandbox. Meanwhile the Asian kid is stealing their tricycles. What?s up with that? I really don?t know. But I guess I should, because I?ve lost three fucking tricycles.
I tell ya, I?ve met George Noory. One time. It was at the Brown Derby. He was outside posing as a blind man selling pencils. His white cane said WHITE POWER CANE on the side of it there. You know I?m kidding. But he did seem to flinch a little when I asked him if he had actually noticed he was standing outside next to a large brown structure and hadn?t gone inside yet.
Why ya selling pencils? I asked. He said it was to raise money for all the starving children he has adopted.
How many have you adopted? I asked. He said he wasn?t sure but he would check with Lex and did I want to buy a fucking pencil or not? Who does he think he is?
I bought one and shoved it up his?
Alex Jones? The name rings a bell. Rings a bell. I got it. He was the one with the bright orange bullhorn who crashed the Neverland Auction. He somehow got it confused with Bohemian Grove and kept screaming, ?Where?s the big owl? Where?s the big owl? We know it?s here! Where the hell is Walter Cronkite hiding? Is he in the owl? Is he inside the fucking owl??
He said the same thing, over and over goddamn it. Through that goddamn bullhorn. He was scaring the bejesus outta the innocent kids who were at the auction hoping to get their little hands on some carnival equipment or an organ grinder monkey that was trained to steal your billfold for the King of Pop.
It?s like crack to those kids. Carnival rides, props, cotton fucking candy.
Imagine kids playing outside, later on, and what they would say.
Look, I have a new Tonka truck. Another kid says,
I have a GI Joe doll?. This other kid, a kid from the auction says,
look at my blue fur covered animatronic elephant I got from Michael Jackson?s private collection. You pull its trunk and it tries to get you in bed and take your peanuts.No. No. I?m sorry. I joke like that. That?s why you paid to come here. What, you want knock knock jokes instead? Okay.
Knock Knock
(who?s there)
Jew Hater
(Jew Hater who?)
I don?t know, but I?m feeling an awful lot like Mel Gibson.
See? I got you on that. A lot of you laughed on that. Except this black woman over here isn?t sure what the hell to do. She wants to leave but wants that buffet. And she can?t get her mind off the blue elephant trunk bit and is afraid someone can tell what she's thinking about. It?s okay, honey, we can?t tell what you?re thinking. We can?t tell. It?s okay. But it?s something along the lines of ?Once you go blue, nothing else will do.? Am I right? By the way, you only loved Michael Jackson when he was a kid, right? Before the aliens got him? That's when we all loved Michael Jackson. Remember "Rockin' Robin?" But now...
(shaking head)
Now do we have any Native Americans in the audience? I need to stir something up between you and the white people over at this other table here.
Remember that television sign-off signal used on many stations? Back when TV actually had the NERVE to shut OFF at night? That test pattern, a lot of them, had that Indian Chief head on it. Why? Was that some kind of mercy fuck - pardon my French, ladies, but don?t pardon
the French - some kind of mercy fuck payment for stealing your land? Here, you wannum be on Tee Vee? Test pattern my ass. It was more like gloating. Look! Look! We took your land AND we put a chief on the tube to help us focus the transmission quality - Geronimo at the battle of the last Moir? pattern.
Imagine the hutzpah required to BROADCAST that test pattern to people living on the reservations. Every night. Two AM. Click. YOU LOST WE WON. HERE?S AN INDIAN HEAD FOR COMPENSATION.
It?s like a goddamn vending machine version of the uncle that won?t shut the hell up.
Jesus, I don?t think I could have watched TV if it were me. Probably would have organized a local war party and raided the television station. Stolen all the white men?s wives and dragged them back to the reservation and made them watch that damned test pattern as I dug out a canoe, so to speak.
Imagine the designers of the test pattern. Sitting around, drawing on a cocktail napkin, like this sweaty one I just used to wipe my head. ?No? no, we still have a blank area at the top?. We need something there. How about? oh geez, how about a goddamn Indian head, Charley? Is that not perfect? Are you with me on this? This will show we care about the earlier inhabitants of America.?
It could have been worse. No, no. It could. It really could. Instead of an Indian Chief head, it could have been George Noory?s head, right there, every night, at two fucking o?clock. How are youuuuuuuuuuuuu?
No. I kid. I kid a lot.
A lot.
Okay, okay, someone guess my ethnicity. Do the best you can. What? Yes you, there, what did you say?
I'm a blue fur covered animatronic elephant? What the hell? I can't believe you just said that. To me. Just said that to me.
Pull my trunk, you wise ass punk.
Addendum: Well, obviously, I've changed my avatar since first penning the above masterpiece. But here's how it looked:
You see, you see, I realized something. I realized I wasn't getting laid. Who is going to want to have sex with a giant Nazi robotic penis with a laser shooting out of if? Huh? Nobody, that's who. Put your hand down, Mr. Jackson.
So I thought I would pick Dean. How can you go wrong with the Dino? How can you?
All the broads want to get laid by that silver tongued bastard. Am I right, ladies? A show of hands. Put your hand down, Mr. Jackson. I'm not telling you again. I'll show you who is bad you freak of the supernatural. Christ, if you head butted me your nose would slice my face open faster than a Catholic hitting the halibut on Friday.
Hey, that reminds me. I heard they're recalling all the old
Jackson 5 albums that are now on CD.... they're recalling them and changing the band name to
The Jackson 4, Peter Pan 1.
I kid.
I kid.
