Excerpt from a spec script for Boston Legal, titled:
Freedom of Speech - What a Laugh!
beginning on page 16, fifth line:
Alan Shore: Judge, I motion the case be dismissed.
Judge Pinksnout: On what grounds?
Shore: (laughs) On the grounds my client and his website were well within their rights to parody this (waves left hand like shooing a gnat away) Coast thing whatever it is. (looks at his notes on the table) Ah, here it is, well within their rights to parody Coast to Coast AM. Parody, lampooning, and ridicule serve as an important and even critical function in America.
Ridicule is the pressure release valve on that machine known as
the audience or that equally demanding machine known as
the consumer.
Look at political cartoons. Where would we be without those adorable caricatures of President Reagan? Look at Saturday Night Live. Senator Hillary Clinton lampooned herself by appearing with her comedic double. Look at George Foreman naming all of his sons George.
(pause)
Out and out making fun of a
very public and
just as inept radio host is hardly breaking any laws on the books and is as quintessentially American as Hot Dogs, Baseball, and Apple pie, all of which are made in China these days, but nonetheless, if such heckling was illegal, our prisons would be filled to bursting with comedians instead of pot smokers who got caught trying to rev up their mediocre sex lives. And as far as any potential civil litigation, we will have to dig up Milton Beryl and sue him to Hell and back - so to speak. A rubber bullet firing squad would have to be assembled for Don Rickles. I could go on and on. What's next, referring to mimes as "motion terrorists"? The fact is, your Honor, I have listened to tapes of the various C2C broadcasts featuring Mr. Noory and one could almost call it
criminal behavior to transmit such low level tripe that is rarely in the paranormal vein and at best a bitch slap contest between the thoughts of an interesting guest and Mr. Noory's hopeless references to the obscure. Then there is the inappropriate usage of the airwaves to consider, mental duress and all that. (shoos gnat again)
C2C Attorney Shakey Tombo: Your Honor, I object!
Judge Pinksnout: Everyone simmer down. This isn't a trial. Speak your piece Tombo.
Atty. Tombo: We can and WE WILL prove that Michael Vandeven and the demon spawn who clog up that filthy site did indeed slander and sabotage the character of Mr. Noory and should answer for their actions.
Shore: (laughing) Referring to my client's clients as "demon spawn." Now
that is slander.
Atty. Tombo: What?!
Shore: Specifically stating that participants of the website emerged from the fleshy tines of some errant succubus is most definitely in the slander category, especially in such a Judeo-Christian oriented country as America. We take our demons and the names of those demons, quite literally. Maybe WE will sue YOU! (laughs) Okay, I'm kidding about the demon thing. But judging by your grimace, I see a light of realization has illuminated that cavernous cranium of yours. Though it's true Ghandi said "
An eye for an eye leaves the world blind," I assure you, Mr. Tombo, I am no Ghandi and I promise I
will take an eye. With an old pair of
Klackers if need be.
(Judge bangs gavel repeatedly)
Judge Pinksnout: Order! Order!
(At that moment, a clown walks into the courtroom. Both Alan Shore and George Noory suffer from coulrophobia, and immedately hide under their respective tables.)
Judge Pinksnout: What in tarnation?
Jib-Jib the Clown: Excuse me, your Honor. I have a note from Godlikeproductions.
(hands paper to judge, then turns and bends down to honk his
red rubber ball nose at Shore who releases an audible moan)
Judge Pinksnout: (reading note) "Greetings, mere mortals. I am The Professor. (queue soundtrack - Modest Mussorgsky's
Night on Bald Mountain) I single handedly - and in a secondary apartment I retain for throwing wild ass genome mapping parties - have created an army of Noory Monkeys. In the lab, I call them Norkies as a tribute to that ultimate Norkey, Mr. Noory. As you read this, 10,000 mature Norkies are signing onto the web and posting disrespectful Noory observations, both factual and comical. Another 5,000 are spreading the word via bad jokes on college campuses to tune OUT of Noory and tune IN to Phil Hendrie. To cut to the chase, your honor, MR. NOORY CAN NOT SUE THE WORLD. There are not enough lawyers, not enough courtrooms, and there very well may not be enough elementary particles in the universe to serve as reference points for the near infinite lines of bull hockey Mr. Noory has thrust upon our great nation thereby guaranteeing an equal and opposite reaction by the audience - such a reaction defined as the equivalent of throwing tomatoes at a very
VERY bad vaudeville act. For shame, Mr. Norkey! SHAME! Signed, geneticist ~extraordinaire~, The Professor."
(Jib Jib the Clown exits)
A visibly shaken Shore emerges from under the table as the judge begins to read again.
Judge Pinksnout: "P.S., I sent the clown out of spite. Shore was collateral damage."
Shore: (straightening tie) I fear that... that the clown and his message, is only the beginning, Judge. There really is no limit to the hordes of listeners on
our side, who will descend on the American legal system should such a frivolous and laughable lawsuit as presented by C2C be allowed to exist past sundown. If I had a crate of tomatoes in front of me, I daresay I could hardly contain myself.
Noory: (still under the table) Is it gone?
Shore: (smirking) Yes, Mr. Noory. Jib Jib is gone, though now that you mention it, I see little difference between Jib Jib the Clown and Tombo-the-Attorney.
end of excerpt
